Two Turkey Actors and Our Turkey Film of the Year!

November 21, 2007 at 4:35 pm Leave a comment

Jessica AlbaAccording to the calendar it’s getting pretty darn close to turkey time. This portends to many things, not the least of which is an increase in my waist size. And before I keep myself busy passing over cranberry sauce with a side of drumstick, I thought I’d slip you a list of the three biggest cinematic turkeys of 2007. But instead of doing the traditional “Worst Movies” list, why not take a look at the three of the biggest turkeys in the area of actor, actress, and picture? Why not, indeed. Let’s dig in. Biggest Turkey Actor: Nicholas Cage
This was hella easy. Now it’s true Cuba almost stole this one from Cage (not the country, the actor). But Gooding Jr. fought back (slightly) with his brief — though welcomed — turn in American Gangster. All is not forgiven. As my Cobra Kai brothers would tell you, mercy is for the weak. But I am merciful still.

Yet I cannot show the same kindness to Mr. Cage, an actor I have defended for way too long. I can get technical and point out what a truly gifted actor he is when he’s handed serious material, but let’s get meat and potatoes here. Right now, he sucks. Cage had the honor of not just one turkey, but two. First he bludgeoned us over the head with Ghost Rider, then he kicked us in the throat with Next, steel-toed. Cage even appeared in the worst fake Grindhouse trailer. It wasn’t “so bad it’s funny.” It was just bad.

And the best news? His 2007 isn’t nearly over. The National Treasure sequel will soon be upon us. I’ve been checking the weather report almost weekly, preparing for this storm, stocking up on canned goods and jugs of water, praying it passes over quietly but I fear it may all be in vain. Maybe this one won’t be quite the category seven I’m fearing. Despite all of this, I’m rooting for Cage. I love the guy who did Matchstick Men, The Weather Man and Adaptation. It’s this other cat I want no part of.

Biggest Turkey Actress: Jessica Alba
First off, an apology to the readers. I know this isn’t an especially creative choice but I didn’t want to just spit out a big time actress the likes of Cate Blanchett or Natalie Portman just to get a rise out of you. It’s especially stale to take yet another shot at the likes of Good Luck Chuck or Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, I know. But look what I’m dealing with here. As far as I can tell Alba is a sweetheart of a gal and lord knows she’s an absolute ten. But good grief, for every Sin City she slaps onto her resume there are three gargoyle-like Honeys waiting in the wings. And I don’t think I’m forcing anyone’s veins to come popping out of their neck when I say she couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag, even with the powers of a push-up bra.

Biggest Turkey Movie: Evan Almighty
This movie takes the top prize because it was heavily hyped, ultra-expensive and it overstepped itself when it banked on exploiting the religious sectors to make its money back. Bruce Almighty had its detractors, sure. But it’s almost as if Tom Shadyac said, “Oh, you guys think I made a bad movie? I’ll show you guys a bad movie, damnit!”

True story: I was at Blockbuster the other day returning some movies, among them was Mr. Brooks (which I dug the hell out of). I was curious if and hopeful that people were finding this movie on DVD, so I asked the pimply, quasi-hippie kid behind the counter which movie he was getting the most positive feedback from other customers. He mentioned a few movies, Transformers and Mr. Brooks among them. Satisfied, and none too proud of my fellow renters, I then — just for kicks — asked what was getting the worst word-of-mouth. Without blinking or a moment’s hesitation, the kid’s eyes turned stone-cold, his brows furrowed, his teeth barely unclenched as he said with the finality of death itself… Evan Almighty. And that was all.

In those brief seconds I saw the wear and tear of what was obviously shift after grinding shift; customers were complaining to this poor young man how awful, how god-awful Evan Almighty was, with hate and anger spilling into their quivering voices, their faces flushed and their balance challenged… all as they gave their repeated, almost never-ending insistence that he, a simple video rental employee, be sure to voice their concerns to anyone else who dare touch this cursed ark. This one goes out to all video store clerks at home and abroad.



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