This Year’s Five Biggest Directorial Turkeys

November 21, 2007 at 4:49 pm Leave a comment

Tis the season for turkey. Big turkeys. Sometimes 25 pounds or more. But it’s not the time for turkeys in the cinema, no no. Tis the season for good movies. For some true time with turkeys we have to wind back the clock. Let’s examine the very worst of the year so far and the turkey directors that gave them to us.

Captivity5.) Roland Joffe for Captivity
Okay, so this isn’t the worst movie of the year. I can think of four worse than this, but this gets special points for audaciousness in its advertising. Pushing the envelope with the MPAA was one thing, but putting an explicit, violent billboard across the street from a Los Angeles elementary school was something entirely different. Being this audacious requires you to back it up with a genre bending film. Or at least a halfway decent one. Captivity was neither.

The Cleaner4.) Les Mayfield for Code Name: The Cleaner
Hey, how awesome would it be if we took the story of The Bourne Identity, made the character black and, instead of actually being a secret agent who has lost his memory, he is actually a janitor who has lost his memory and believes he is a secret agent? As it turns out, it isn’t awesome at all. In fact, it’s a mildly offensive, complete waste of time that is never even remotely funny. Can we just start calling him Cedric now? Because I’ve yet to find him entertaining.
Epic Movie3.) Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer for Epic Movie
Oh lord, where does one even begin? If the Zucker Brothers and Jim Abrams were dead, they would be spinning in their graves fast enough to power a small city. Of course, they’re not dead, but these two knucklehead’s careers should be. Except that they’re not. They’re moving on to continue the trend of simply badly rewriting every movie that came out this year with Meet the Spartans.

If there is any god at all he’s set aside a special circle of hell for these two. One filled with air-conditioned movie theaters playing only their movies. Tough choice. The fires of hell, or watching these movies for all eternity. Personally, I’d take the fire.
The Movie2.) Sean McNamara for Bratz: the Movie
Vapid, empty and almost entirely nonsensical, this film’s worst crime is that it might convince even a single girl out there that this is what you are supposed to act like. If you desire a materialistic daughter that worships a number of poorly derived stereotypes, then I highly recommend you put this painful piece of drivel in her stocking this Christmas. Just don’t blame me when she maxes out your MasterCard on her quest to quench her Passion for Fashion (TM).
Daddy Day Camp1.) Fred Savage for Daddy Day Camp
You know, there was a time when I thought Bratz would be the worst thing I would see all year. That lasted six days until I saw this movie. And it makes everything else look like a masterpiece. If I could offer Mr. Savage (yes, it is THAT Fred Savage) one piece of advice, it would be this: learn about the use of the name Alan Smithee and consider using it from here on out. You have nothing to be proud of. Not anymore.


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