The Russell Crowe Royal Rumble

November 1, 2007 at 11:17 am Leave a comment

Russell CroweHere’s one thing I know for sure: If I ever found myself around Russell Crowe, who stars in this week’s American Gangster, the last thing I’d want to do is piss the guy off. He’s kind of a bad ass, but, then again, so are most of the characters he plays. However, as quick as I might run like a girl from these on-screen personas, I can pretty much bet most of them wouldn’t run from each other. This makes me wonder what a royal rumble between all of these characters would be like…“Welcome to the Russell Crowe Royal Rumble Explosion Extravaganza! Today, we’ve used the same nanotech synthetic organism technology that brought Crowe’s SID 6.7 to life in the abysmally laughable Virtuosity to place in the squared circle several of Crowe’s other characters – along with their natural armaments, whatever those might be. Oh, and it looks like things are about to get started.

“The combatants, perhaps in some effort to play fair, are almost all dividing into pairs with similar styles of fighting. There’s Cort, quite a quick-draw in Sam Raimi’s cheesy Western, The Quick and the Dead, facing off against the sadistic Ben Wade from 3:10 to Yuma, while LA Confidential’s angry cop Bud White is already pounding his fists into Cinderella Man Jim Braddock’s hard head.

“Jesus, did you see that at home? Roman Gladiator Maximus just hacked clean through Jack Aubrey’s left arm at the elbow, even though the Master and Commander sea captain, looking quite out of place on land, is treating it only as a flesh wound. These two are military geniuses, but I have to say my money is on Maximus’ experience with edged weapons.

“Looks like Wade is getting anxious out there, folks. He can’t get a read on Cort, who won’t even stand ready to draw his six-shooter. Cort has found God and doesn’t seem to want to fight, but Wade – a thug who likes to imagine himself as an artist, kind of like Crowe – knows how fast the preacher is. Oh, wait, Wade has gone and drawn on Cort and, Christ, Cort’s outdrawn him. Cort has outdrawn him! Check out the playback, which you can thank Raimi for; we can see the wound now, a smoking hole in Wade’s skull, through which we can see Cort on the other side.

“Meanwhile, Aubrey is rolling around on the mat, as limbless as Johnny after he got his gun or the Black Knight in Monty Python’s The Holy Grail. Maximus has made minced meat of the land-locked sailor.

“On the other side of the ring, White has been reduced to a bloody pulp after Braddock, perhaps remembering what he’s fighting for – is it his family, or the Irish poor? – has found his second wind. As White goes down, though, Maximus is on him and, yep, this one’s all over for Braddock, folks. Just like a Roman to bring a sword to a fist fight.

“Cort, amazingly enough, is down, too. It’s A Good Year for whiny stock trader Max Skinner who’s beaten the cowboy’s skull in with his Blackberry and a bottle of 1964 Pinot Grigio from his uncle’s vineyard. That victory proves short-lived, though, since Maximus, a big proponent for Italian wines over French, decapitates him while crossing the ring to face down his only remaining opponent – John Nash from A Beautiful Mind.

“‘What are you waiting for?’ Maximus asks, waving his sword about. ‘Face me.’

“ ‘My friends think you’re a Soviet spy,’ Nash mutters.

“‘I don’t see an friends. What are you, crazy?’

“‘I see mathematical equations everywhere.’

“‘By God, you are crazy.’

“Look at that grin on Nash’s face. ‘The equations all add up,’ he says. ‘The answer is: I’m going to kick your ass with a little help from my friends.’

“I don’t know what’s happening, folks, but Maximus is being hit from all sides. I think this means that the schizophrenic Nash did indeed bring his friends and they’re getting the best of the gladiator. And, and, oh God, folks, Maximus hass gone down. He’s on his back – and Nash is on top of him, shoving his pocket protector down the gladiator’s throat. Maximus is choking, he’s choking, look at the way his leg is kicking, folks.

“Wait, wait, he’s getting still. He’s blue. I think he’s…he’s…yes, he’s dead, folks. Nash and his imaginary friends have kicked Maximus’ ass. This means that, of all of Russell Crowe’s many ass-kicking characters, it’s ultimately the vast intellect of mathematician Nash that couldn’t be beaten by crude weapons and firearms. John Nash is Crowe’s most ass-kickingest character!”



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